… He ran up to me, wrapped his tiny arms around my waist as far as they could reach. Squeezing as if to hang on for dear life!  He peered up into my eyes with a look I cannot yet comprehend.  He seemed to be speaking volumes, communicating emotions I am sure even he doesn’t know how to form with words.  This embrace lasted only a few seconds, yet it seemed like time ceased to exist.

So much silent communication was talking place, and yet, I am still uncertain of his message. As quickly as it began, it was over.  He suddenly released his grip as if to shun, through fear, the tender moment he allowed with me.  It felt as if he was saying…

“I am not sure if you can be trusted, will you abandon me too?” 

I revisit this moment over and over again in my mind.  Too much to unravel for me?  So much spoken without words.  My heart tears as I wonder what his little heart is hiding.  I ask, “Lord, Am I capable of this job?”  I see my own lack in so many areas, and yet I seem to understand his language of rejection.  “Yes.” I whisper to the Lord, my answer is yes!  How can it be anything other than yes!  Yes, I am willing to take these kids!

Please Lord help! 

“The Lord hears His people when they call to Him for help, He rescues them from all their troubles.” ~ Psalm 34:17 (NLT)

Remembering only a few weeks ago when we walked into that courtroom.  My husband and I thought our purpose was something other than what was surprisingly presented us that afternoon.   We knew the mother of these 3 children was no longer willing to be apart of their lives.  But our sudden realization of what would come next hadn’t even entered our minds.

We thought we were there to present our case to the judge of our desire for more visitations and to inform them of the improper ways this case had been handled for our 11-year-old great-niece.

It was our understanding her brothers ages 8 & 9 were well taken care of and living with our Nephew.  We thought, she was the only child put into the CPS system lacking our family love.  As the lawyers began to discuss the case, we suddenly became aware and were very surprised our great-nephews had been moved to a shelter and had been there for almost 2 months now.

What!  Why did no one tell us?  

I felt the tips of my ears burning as my heart began to race and my mind began to flutter with thoughts I will not repeat.

Seriously, is the CPS system, this broken!  

I restrained from reacting to my tumultuous emotions.  My husband and I sat there stunned.  Our eyes glanced at each other and we knew without speaking any words we were on the same page.  We would take them!

15 minutes earlier before walking into this building I was sorting through thoughts in my own mind about being an empty nester.  Our youngest son was only 1 month from moving away.  The range of emotions I was experiencing was more intense this time then when each of his brothers moved out.

I think when the youngest leaves, the reality that none of them will ever be home living with us is like taking a punch in the gut!  But, at the same time we can ache for the presence (regret the absence) of kids in the home, we’re excited to begin living our postponed dreams. The thought of autonomy is exhilarating!

How is this roller coaster ride of emotions even possible?  One moment I’m sad and grieved, waking in the middle of the night crying at the thoughts of never EVER seeing my kids again… (I know I’m over reacting a bit, but in those moments, it felt true).  In the next moment I’m happy, thrilled and looking forward to the potential of our dreams that have been waiting for this season.   Up and down, back and forth and

… Suddenly a curve you never expected!

As the court room discussion continues so many questions are swirling in my mind.  My hand rose in the air as if to be waving the judge down.  Even though he and all the lawyers spotted me, I was never acknowledged to speak.  As I later reflected upon it, I am surprised I was not excused to leave the courtroom, after all, who was I to demand the authority to speak? Thankfully the judge appeared kind and was understanding about my frustrated wave.

The Lord had been preparing my heart for this day… For a little over a year He softened it.  A year ago, when this whole drama began, if what was being presented to us on this day was presented then, I may not have had the intentions to have responded this way.  Today my hand was up in a hurry!  Isn’t that the way The Lord works?  He is so patient with us, so willing to walk beside us, waiting for the perfect time to pop the question.

In the last 3 weeks since entering that courtroom, The Lord was speaking loudly in my mind.  Although I did not hear an audible voice, I seemed to understand what He was saying to me.

“I am not telling you… I am asking if you will?”    

I felt the weight of this decision.  When I considered all the ramifications of it… the potential of this being a long term commitment scared the heck out of me!   I felt deflated under the weight of the potential future possibilities.   I wished God would just tell me what He wanted me to do, but  I was once again blown away by His gentle grace.

I felt His Spirit was saying to me… “I am not telling you what you “have” to do… I am giving you the choice, the opportunity.   I am just asking… if you’re willing!”   In some ways, it would have been easier for Him to tell me and for me to decide to just be obedient.

But free will means a whole lot more.  In some ways it’s also a whole lot harder!

It’s easy to obey and still have a resentful heart.  But for it to be “my” choice… means I have to work out the resentful heart first in order to make the decision to be willing.

With free will, it’s as if I have to do the work up front,  where as, if given a choice of obedience I may have missed the opportunity to see the hidden matters in the heart that still needed work.  It’s like breaking up the fallow ground and revealing what’s underneath. Then, plowing it, tilling it, to prepare it for planting.  Not until those steps are taken, can I truly choose to be willing! This is quite different than just obediently reacting to His command.

Some times, we can have a tendency to blame God for the things in our lives that don’t go as we hoped or planned.

But really, most of what goes wrong … happens as a result of someone’s free will, either ours, or someone else’s.  Yet, we blame God.  I bet it’s hard for Him to parent this way.  He would stop us from a lot of pain if He just forces His will on us.  Instead, He endures with us.  Grieves with us.  Bears with us.  Waits with us.  Watches us and … He loves us!

And we blame Him for His sweetest gift of free will, when others or our choices bring unwanted consequences.  His desire is for us to want to do things, not to have to do things.  He wants our hearts to be right.  He is in no way a bully,  so He sweetly whispers yet again…

“I am not telling you.  I am asking if you’re open to it… if you’re willing?  It’s your choice!” “Choose this day whom you will serve.”

He wanted more from me.  More than an act of obedience, he wanted a submissive and willing heart.

Why is it The Lord at times chooses to use us in our weaknesses rather than our strength?  Why is it He asks of us the things we feel ill prepared for?  Why won’t He ask of us those things we feel certain of success?

Could it be…?  

So we require our dependence upon Him.

Could it be…?  

So He can show Himself strength in the very area we are weak.

Could it be…?  

He might be magnified when He shows Himself faithful to accomplish even more than  we can ask or think.  Even more than we alone can accomplish in our greatest area of strength!

Today I say yes!

Yes to a need.  Yes to a future unclear.  Yes to be willing.  Yes to live in a way that causes some dreams to stall, while another’s dream is fulfilled!  Yes to His whispered request that He asked of me… are you willing?  Today, I say Yes…

Yes to God’s dream for me!

“And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.”  Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmaties, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”  ~ 2 Corinthians 12:9 (NKJV)

“Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever.  Amen.”  ~ Ephesians 3:20-21 (NKJV)

“And if it seems evil to you to serve the Lord, choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods which your fathers served that were on the other side of the River, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you dwell.  But for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.”  ~ Joshua 24:15 (NKJV)