Saturday! Saturdays! There is no other day like Saturday!

For many children this is a day to wake up late, lounge around in PJs while watching cartoons.  Have pancakes for breakfast rather than the quick bowl of cereal before heading off to school.  For some it’s a day to lace up their sneakers to compete in their favorite sport of soccer, basketball or football while their parents cheerfully support their every move from the sidelines.

For these kiddos… this last year of their lives, Saturdays have taken on a new meaning.  Saturdays is a day of reunions.  It’s a day of completeness.  Saturdays are a destination day.  A day, their whole week builds up to.  A day, they eagerly wait for.  A day, which seems to take endurance and perseverance to reach!   A day, which holds greater meaning than cartoons, sports or pancakes loaded with butter and syrup.

Saturday is a day to relive a fading memory of what once was an everyday occurrence.  Saturday is the one day out of seven two brothers get to giggle, snuggle, admire, observe and adore their older sister.  Saturday is also the one day all three of the children are allowed the right to hug, speak, wrestle, laugh, cry, play and spend two whole hours of this precious day with their dad.  For only one of these kids is he their biological dad. For the other two, it is the only person ever willing to be their dad.  However, for all three, it’s the only dad they have ever known and biology makes no difference at all!

Saturday is Finally… Family Day!

Last Saturday.  Troy, myself Keatyn and Derek packed into the car and drove to the McDonalds on the other side of town to pick up their sister Julie from her foster parents. Julie eagerly hopped into the car and wiggled her way in between her brothers! Each Saturday it is such a joy to see the gentle care between these two brothers and their sister as they unite with one another.  Each of them waits all week for this day… A few short hours where they are all three together again.

They leaned into one another so their bodies’ stick together.  The tightness of the car seems perfect for them.  In typical situations you would hear the whines “stop touching me!”  But not today!  Instead these three embraced with such tenderness!

Derek laid his head on Julie’s shoulder, clasped his hands in hers and wore a smirk of utter contentment on his face! Julie sat between her two younger brothers appearing too wise for her young age.  She acted like a proud mama fluffing the feathers of her little chicks. She spoke only praises about how smart and talented her brothers were.   “Keatyn is so smart, even smarter than me!” She exclaimed! Keatyn began to explode with confidence by his older sisters praise!

I marveled at their tender genuine love for one another, but at the same time I took a gulp of grief knowing the depths of pain their last year of life had brought them.  “What is a small child to do?”  No control over what is happening to them and no idea of why?”  That gulp was hard to swallow, so instead I shifted my mind to the moment.

For yet again on another Saturday morning, all I saw was contentment!  The boys seem to jockey for position with their sister.  Back and forth she held one hand then another’s as if to be sure to measure out her affections with equality. How sweet are Saturday morning car rides!

Last week these same exchanges took place amongst all of us being tagged with an over abundance of bug stickers that Julie brought to share with us.  Faces covered in stickers as they wiggled in delight with their sister’s touch.  Eyes were sticker bugged! The end of the short drive to explore Rattlesnake Bridge resulted in bedazzled noses, ears, checks, arms and even the seat belts.

Rattlesnake Bridge… The name alone creates wonder in the mind of a child!

This bridge caught their attention one day as we drove by it.  Its ominous image left them with many questions of what it might be like to walk inside the belly of a snake.   So on that Saturday with faces bedazzled, or as Julie would say… Not bedazzled, but “Pezazeled!

“Our faces are Pezazeled, auntie Lisa!” She gasped in giggled delight!

With “pezazeled” faces we began our first of many to come of Saturday adventures.  We walked through the belly of a snake… A simple exploration, yet a lasting memory made!

On our next Saturday we went hiking.  Not just an ordinary hike though.  That Saturday we were climbing up a giant “A” that stands as a destination spot in Tucson.

We were heading out to climb the infamous, “A” Mountain.

This mountain is a marker place just off the highway.  Fireworks are released here on every Forth of July.  Students from the University of Arizona use this location to display their school spirit by painting the “A” different colors at different times of year.  They demonstrate their identity as being Tucsonan’s at heart.

As we arrived at the scene, Julie announced she had never ever climbed a mountain before.  Keatyn stared at the giant vertical “A” with a subtle stark of terror on his face.  He seemed to be communicating, “I am not sure about this?”  Derek, the youngest of the three, took off like a Billy goat up the white rocky stones that were plastered in place.  His skill and agility masterly evidenced his natural athletic abilities.

At the top there was a view that spread out Tucson like a painting.

Julie and Keatyn were content to sit and observe the view as well as to appease me by being the victims of my amateur photo shoot!  Derek however was in his element.  Discovery was not going to allow him to be tamed to sit and pose for very long.

Off he went down the other side of the mountain.  The other two took off behind him willing, yet a bit reluctant still.  I hollered out.  “Remember…  what goes down, must come back up!”  Of course, it fell on deaf ears!  Well, until later when I reminded them as they whimpered they couldn’t make it.

“I can’t do it!” Julie pouted.

“Jesus said to him, “if you can believe, all things are possible to him who believes.”  ~ Mark 9:23

Keatyn and she had become partners.  Hanging on to one another hoping that if they rallied in togetherness, I might give into their relentless requests to quit.  Troy and Derek left our view far ahead of us, both enjoying the pace of rabbits! It seemed we could spot them every now and then as they streaked around a corner.

Little did these two pouting, sauntering hikers know?  There was no way, absolutely no way! I was going to afford them the opportunity to quit.

I piped back, “if I am 50 and I can do it… certainly, you two can.   Come on keep it up, we’re almost there!”  They made it, parched and tired… But they made it!  

In the end while we all sat buckled up in our vehicle sucking down lukewarm bottles of water.  We drove away discussing our adventure of the day.  Each one of them displayed contentment and confidence in their overcoming victory.

Troy and I listened in delight.  Expressions of personal accomplishments resounded from their lips.  Their deep insight, even deeper than we knew they could express came flowing out.  One by one, they were pleased with the adventure of the day.

Julie the most expressive of the three seemed to take it to a place of personal growth. She expressed how she had “the most awesome day because she, with her family climbed the coolest mountain she had ever climbed!”  Her continued expressions left us wondering of what she would one day become?  She seemed to understand how to form her words to adequately convey her thoughts.

She continued on, expressing how happy she was she continued on, even when she felt like quitting.  She later wrote down in her new journal (in her “Saturday Adventure Journal” which we gave her later that afternoon so she could begin expressing herself through writing).   She wrote…

“I also, experienced that it’s not about getting upset or mad it’s all about having fun and also I can do anything that I set my mind to.  I can do it again another time. I feel great that I got down that hill and got home. I feel really, really happy that I accomplished that.  It was fun when I climbed that mountain. It’s not about being mad, it’s all about spending time with your family.” 

Saturdays have become destination days.

The day all the anticipation of the week has landed.  A day where fear, confusion, sadness, loneliness, fits of rage, moments of breakdowns, disobedient attitudes and smoldering anger is set aside.  Left behind are those emotions, replaced instead with wonder, excitement, contentment, pleasures, happiness, laughter, singing, praises, complements, sharing, affection, exploration, discovery and an over flow of love.

On this one day of the week when three children are willing to let go.  When they band together and seem strong enough to unload baggage of emotions tucked away in their hearts and minds.  On this one day of the week when the car appears absent from the weight of negative and battering emotions.  Emotions temporarily forgotten amongst the presence of sibling unity.  On this one day of the week… This precious day called Saturday!

We determined to capture opportunities.  We determined to build new memories. Great memories!  Adventures that take their mind off the miserable and where they can reach for delight and discover more about themselves than what they have known until now.

A day to discover more about the community they belong and how they are a valuable part of it.  Not only do we get to enjoy the company of one another on Saturdays… We get to explore opportunities!  Opportunities they have yet to discover. Connecting with their community of Tucson.

Observing the glory of God in His creation as it is displayed in a tapestry that is begging for their enjoyment!

“The heavens declare the glory of God; and the firmaments show His handiwork.  Day unto day utters speech, and night unto night reveals knowledge.  There is not speech nor language where their voice is not heard.”  ~ Psalm 19:1-3

Opportunities to achieving that, which can only be accomplish when they put their minds to a challenging task.  They get the opportunity to dream, to live.  To be anything they want to be for that day.  A day to go to places they have never gone before. To unwrap the world of other emotions which may be tucked behind those negative ones.  Emotions that come from places where these three by experience will begin to discover and behold victory, accomplishment, endurance, perseverance, hard work, wonder, delight and amazement.

A day to allow the positive emotions to rise to the surface so they can peer at the grand mystery of how God in His great love for them has more planned than they can at this moment imagine.

“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.”   ~ Jeremiah 29:11

A day to realize that with God anything is possible!

… “With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”  ~ Matthew 19:26

A day to begin to understand the truth that God can and will make “all things” even the tough stuff, work together for good!

“And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.”  ~ Romans 8:28

Saturday has become not just a day of destination to unpack… but Saturday is now a purposeful day to upload!

“For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even His eternal power and Godhead, so that they are without excuse,”   ~ Romans 1:20

“Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.”  ~ Romans 15:13

“Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.”  ~ Romans 12:12

 

“The Lord your God in your midst, The Mighty One, will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.”      ~Zephaniah 3:17

“And I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten, the cankerworm, and the caterpiller, and the palmerworm, my great army which I sent among you.” ~ Joel 2:25 (KJV)

Today was the first day of school for our two new housemates.

New backpacks strapped to their backs.  Their bellies were full.  Their teeth were brushed.  Their hair was slicked back and styled with a spunky look.  They were sporting their new clothes a precious friend dropped off for them.  Their lunch was packed and their first picture was taken for the beginning of their new school year in yet “another” new school.

For most kids… this would be filled with excitement and wonder.  But, for these two, a new school is just a reminder of the roller coaster of new beginnings which haven’t proven to be anything of excitement or wonder.  Rather, these new beginnings just meant that once again, they would have to start all over.

On this morning, I could sense their apprehension.  But, I could also sense a twinge of hope.   Even though they dare to expose that hope to me, I could see it peeking through.  It seemed to betray the manner they were displaying this morning.

Hope…  that maybe this would be the last new beginning for this year.  Hope… that maybe they would stay long enough for friends to be made.  Hope…for acceptance.  Hope… for stability.  Hope… to be allowed to be safe enough to smile again!

“I don’t want to go to school!”  The youngest whined as he scowled.  “I hate school!”

I realized I had the power at that particular moment to make or break their day!  I knew something about them.  I knew that although they were not displaying a positive attitude at that moment, that doesn’t mean they could not display one in their next moment.

I reminded myself, the way I reacted would set the tone for their day!  

I get to choose my hill to die on and this morning, it was not time to die.  So, I ignored the attitude and instead pump them up with positive affirmations.   Little by little the tone of frustration, agitation and down right stubbornness began to fade.

We hopped in the car and began our drive to school.   We took a detour since we were a wee bit early.  I showed them the house where my kids grew up by their new school.  I showed them the bus stop that our oldest son Patrick stood at when he attended this same school for his first grade year.

I know how much they love my boys and look up to them, so I attempted to help them relate is a way that was safe and comfortable.   We shared all kinds of old memories and emotions my boys experienced on their first days of school.  They began to relate.

Sandwiched in between all the memories.  I spread out what they could do in the moment  they felt afraid, insecure or uncomfortable.

“Just call out to Jesus.” I told them.  “Tell Him how you’re feeling when you’re nervous or afraid.  He will be with you.  He will listen.  He will help you.”

“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”  Philippians 4:6-7 (NKJV)

I asked them if I could pray for them like I use to do for my boys when I drove them to school?  Suddenly, I saw the tone had changed.  Their eyes revealed a slight glimmer of hope as I peeked at them in my rear view mirror.  I prayed, while keeping my eyes on the road and on the rear view mirror at the same time.

I saw their apprehension wane.  I saw two young boys who desperately wanted to fit in.  Desperately wanted to be secure.   Desperately wanted to be happy!  Desperately hoped this change would bring them the hope which seemed to be stuck behind the lense of their eyes.

“Lord”, I whispered in my mind.  “Please give them a great day!  Please help them to be noticed in a positive way.”

We walked to their classrooms where they would meet their teachers and classmates for the first time.  The door swung open and I could see their gentle sigh of relief in what appeared as weight removed from their shoulders.  Relived… they were early and they did not have to walk into a classroom full of eyes deliberately staring at them.

First meetings took place with their teachers and first impressions were made!  “Thank you Lord!” They were positive!

“He gives power to the faint and weary, and to him who has no might He increases strength [causing it to multiply and making it to abound].

Even youths shall faint and be weary, and [selected] young men shall feebly stumble and fall exhausted;

But those who wait for the Lord [who expect, look for, and hope in Him] shall change and renew their strength and power; they shall lift their wings and mount up [close to God] as eagles [mount up to the sun]; they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint or become tired.”  ~ Isaiah 40:29-31 (AMP)

“The Lord shall preserve you from all evil;
He shall preserve your soul.
The Lord shall preserve your going out and your coming in
From this time forth, and even forevermore.”  ~ Psalm 121:7-8 (NKJV)

 

… He ran up to me, wrapped his tiny arms around my waist as far as they could reach. Squeezing as if to hang on for dear life!  He peered up into my eyes with a look I cannot yet comprehend.  He seemed to be speaking volumes, communicating emotions I am sure even he doesn’t know how to form with words.  This embrace lasted only a few seconds, yet it seemed like time ceased to exist.

So much silent communication was talking place, and yet, I am still uncertain of his message. As quickly as it began, it was over.  He suddenly released his grip as if to shun, through fear, the tender moment he allowed with me.  It felt as if he was saying…

“I am not sure if you can be trusted, will you abandon me too?” 

I revisit this moment over and over again in my mind.  Too much to unravel for me?  So much spoken without words.  My heart tears as I wonder what his little heart is hiding.  I ask, “Lord, Am I capable of this job?”  I see my own lack in so many areas, and yet I seem to understand his language of rejection.  “Yes.” I whisper to the Lord, my answer is yes!  How can it be anything other than yes!  Yes, I am willing to take these kids!

Please Lord help! 

“The Lord hears His people when they call to Him for help, He rescues them from all their troubles.” ~ Psalm 34:17 (NLT)

Remembering only a few weeks ago when we walked into that courtroom.  My husband and I thought our purpose was something other than what was surprisingly presented us that afternoon.   We knew the mother of these 3 children was no longer willing to be apart of their lives.  But our sudden realization of what would come next hadn’t even entered our minds.

We thought we were there to present our case to the judge of our desire for more visitations and to inform them of the improper ways this case had been handled for our 11-year-old great-niece.

It was our understanding her brothers ages 8 & 9 were well taken care of and living with our Nephew.  We thought, she was the only child put into the CPS system lacking our family love.  As the lawyers began to discuss the case, we suddenly became aware and were very surprised our great-nephews had been moved to a shelter and had been there for almost 2 months now.

What!  Why did no one tell us?  

I felt the tips of my ears burning as my heart began to race and my mind began to flutter with thoughts I will not repeat.

Seriously, is the CPS system, this broken!  

I restrained from reacting to my tumultuous emotions.  My husband and I sat there stunned.  Our eyes glanced at each other and we knew without speaking any words we were on the same page.  We would take them!

15 minutes earlier before walking into this building I was sorting through thoughts in my own mind about being an empty nester.  Our youngest son was only 1 month from moving away.  The range of emotions I was experiencing was more intense this time then when each of his brothers moved out.

I think when the youngest leaves, the reality that none of them will ever be home living with us is like taking a punch in the gut!  But, at the same time we can ache for the presence (regret the absence) of kids in the home, we’re excited to begin living our postponed dreams. The thought of autonomy is exhilarating!

How is this roller coaster ride of emotions even possible?  One moment I’m sad and grieved, waking in the middle of the night crying at the thoughts of never EVER seeing my kids again… (I know I’m over reacting a bit, but in those moments, it felt true).  In the next moment I’m happy, thrilled and looking forward to the potential of our dreams that have been waiting for this season.   Up and down, back and forth and

… Suddenly a curve you never expected!

As the court room discussion continues so many questions are swirling in my mind.  My hand rose in the air as if to be waving the judge down.  Even though he and all the lawyers spotted me, I was never acknowledged to speak.  As I later reflected upon it, I am surprised I was not excused to leave the courtroom, after all, who was I to demand the authority to speak? Thankfully the judge appeared kind and was understanding about my frustrated wave.

The Lord had been preparing my heart for this day… For a little over a year He softened it.  A year ago, when this whole drama began, if what was being presented to us on this day was presented then, I may not have had the intentions to have responded this way.  Today my hand was up in a hurry!  Isn’t that the way The Lord works?  He is so patient with us, so willing to walk beside us, waiting for the perfect time to pop the question.

In the last 3 weeks since entering that courtroom, The Lord was speaking loudly in my mind.  Although I did not hear an audible voice, I seemed to understand what He was saying to me.

“I am not telling you… I am asking if you will?”    

I felt the weight of this decision.  When I considered all the ramifications of it… the potential of this being a long term commitment scared the heck out of me!   I felt deflated under the weight of the potential future possibilities.   I wished God would just tell me what He wanted me to do, but  I was once again blown away by His gentle grace.

I felt His Spirit was saying to me… “I am not telling you what you “have” to do… I am giving you the choice, the opportunity.   I am just asking… if you’re willing!”   In some ways, it would have been easier for Him to tell me and for me to decide to just be obedient.

But free will means a whole lot more.  In some ways it’s also a whole lot harder!

It’s easy to obey and still have a resentful heart.  But for it to be “my” choice… means I have to work out the resentful heart first in order to make the decision to be willing.

With free will, it’s as if I have to do the work up front,  where as, if given a choice of obedience I may have missed the opportunity to see the hidden matters in the heart that still needed work.  It’s like breaking up the fallow ground and revealing what’s underneath. Then, plowing it, tilling it, to prepare it for planting.  Not until those steps are taken, can I truly choose to be willing! This is quite different than just obediently reacting to His command.

Some times, we can have a tendency to blame God for the things in our lives that don’t go as we hoped or planned.

But really, most of what goes wrong … happens as a result of someone’s free will, either ours, or someone else’s.  Yet, we blame God.  I bet it’s hard for Him to parent this way.  He would stop us from a lot of pain if He just forces His will on us.  Instead, He endures with us.  Grieves with us.  Bears with us.  Waits with us.  Watches us and … He loves us!

And we blame Him for His sweetest gift of free will, when others or our choices bring unwanted consequences.  His desire is for us to want to do things, not to have to do things.  He wants our hearts to be right.  He is in no way a bully,  so He sweetly whispers yet again…

“I am not telling you.  I am asking if you’re open to it… if you’re willing?  It’s your choice!” “Choose this day whom you will serve.”

He wanted more from me.  More than an act of obedience, he wanted a submissive and willing heart.

Why is it The Lord at times chooses to use us in our weaknesses rather than our strength?  Why is it He asks of us the things we feel ill prepared for?  Why won’t He ask of us those things we feel certain of success?

Could it be…?  

So we require our dependence upon Him.

Could it be…?  

So He can show Himself strength in the very area we are weak.

Could it be…?  

He might be magnified when He shows Himself faithful to accomplish even more than  we can ask or think.  Even more than we alone can accomplish in our greatest area of strength!

Today I say yes!

Yes to a need.  Yes to a future unclear.  Yes to be willing.  Yes to live in a way that causes some dreams to stall, while another’s dream is fulfilled!  Yes to His whispered request that He asked of me… are you willing?  Today, I say Yes…

Yes to God’s dream for me!

“And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.”  Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmaties, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”  ~ 2 Corinthians 12:9 (NKJV)

“Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever.  Amen.”  ~ Ephesians 3:20-21 (NKJV)

“And if it seems evil to you to serve the Lord, choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods which your fathers served that were on the other side of the River, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you dwell.  But for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.”  ~ Joshua 24:15 (NKJV)